Riding the Rollercoaster
Choice Chat
I've done this before, so it shouldn't be as difficult. Should it?
The 2WW is hardest. (That's lingo for the "two week wait" after an intrauterine insemination, or IUI.) This time it's taking longer than it did when Maya was conceived.
Is it because I'm two years older? But my numbers are actually better than they were in 2005.
My finances are in better shape. At $1,098 a pop for an IUI, Clomid and an hCG trigger shot, they better be. I didn't need medications the first time. I'm on my fourth cycle already, taking time off in between to save up. Last time I got lucky the second time.
I've got more family and friends on board, and support from new friends in my local Choice Mom community. Last time, at five months pregnant, I made the secretary at work feel Maya's first kick.
So why is this so stressful?
Patience, persistence, predictive powers - who has them?
You have to consciously decide where to stop spending, every month. It seems like there is an endless series of things you could pay for. Deciding where to spend, where not to spend, where to draw the line, is overwhelming. I already feel like I've stretched everything thin in order to give Maya a sibling. But should I be paying even more so I can have an ultrasound?
I decided not to take out a home equity loan to pay for maternity leave this time. I'm a flight dispatcher and I don't get maternity leave. I have to guess when I might be delivering and put in a vacation request for that month next year.
Support: "Women out there like me."
I find strength and comfort - and playmates for Maya - with the other Choice Moms and their kiddos. About 20 of them came over recently. We talked, played, ate. Like we always do. Most of them already have been down this road. Their insights help. It wasn't always like that for me.
I started down this path alone, more or less, unaware of any resources for single women. I had no idea there were so many women out there, making these same choices. Then I learned, in my medium-sized metro area alone, there are easily 100 of us, not including all the women who don't bother with support groups.
I remember watching that movie, Look Who's Talking, and a woman on there had become a mother this way. They gave it a bad rap, implying that only ugly women or lesbians do assisted donor insemination.
My Mom was great in terms of emotional support. But finding other Choice Moms was amazing. It happened after I read in a magazine about single women who choose donor insemination. It was a life-changing moment to discover we're everywhere!
Low points, grieving
I started trying to conceive Maya when I was 36. One of my lowest points was picking the sperm online. Even having my girlfriends help pick the donor, trying to have fun with it, couldn't change how totally depressing it was for me to shop for my baby's father on a computer.
I regularly had second thoughts. But I kept on, just as I'm keeping on now.
Sometimes you aren't sure what you can control, and what you can't. After all, wouldn't most of us prefer to be doing this a different way altogether?
I remember, before Maya, knowing the exact day I was ovulating. It was Saturday. But my ob/gyn told me to wait until Monday at noon for the insem. That was frustrating because I knew - I KNEW - the sooner the better. But I waited. And it didn't work. Money down the drain. My money. Their drain.
I took a month off, for money reasons, and then I started going to a different doctor.
Back for another ride
The new fertility clinic did an HSG to check my fallopian tubes and all I could think was 'that's $480 out the window.' But fortunately, it wasn't long after that I learned I was pregnant.
After Maya was born, and I went in for my annual ob/gyn exam at 38, I told the doctor that I had always wanted more than one. She looked at me and said, "you better get crackin'."
So here I am again. Juggling lousy hours at work. A toddler. House payments. And more doctor appointments.
I wanted to use the same sperm donor. But he was out of commission. Then he wasn't - he'd been returned from storage to the clinic's inventory. Then he was gone again. The sperm bank told me they'd made a mistake. Another client had already bought all the vials. There were two on a wait list in front of me.
A new, huge low point.
Then he was back. After trying three IUIs with a different donor, I learned a family across the country had not needed its extra vials after all. I again felt butterflies in my stomach. I was so excited! So I did a fourth insem, with one vial of my old friend, Maya's biological father, the anonymous man. Who came with a trigger shot, an ultrasound, progesterone, and a pregnancy test.
I think I'm learning, at 39, how to better manage the journey. The ups and downs, you know? And I feel like I'm in a good place, no matter what happens. But it's natural to find yourself questioning the whole thing. You wonder, 'is this just ridiculous? Is this not meant to be, having another one?' But you hang on for the ride, as long as you can.
