Being Open About Donor Conception
Wendy Kramer's son Ryan was conceived in 1989 with the help of anonymous donor insemination. Unable to satisfy his curiosity by making contact with half-siblings through the sperm bank, they turned to the Internet in 2000. Since then, DonorSiblingRegistry.com has become a hub for donor-conceived families. This essay is adapted from "Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame," part of the Voices of Donor Conception series published by the editor of this fertility guide.
The word gamete is used in a clinical setting for the egg or sperm product that is sold to the bank, and then purchased by prospective parents who need it. The term may make it easier for some parents to think of it as simply a cell, or an item of genetic material, and nothing more. But I know very well, from my own teenage son and from the many other offspring I've talked to over the years, that this may not be how they think of it. Many kids do accurately think of the "cell" as one half of their genetic background and heritage.
Again and again, we have heard on the website from donor-conceived adults who have a strong desire to understand this invisible side of themselves. These people are acknowledging, sometimes even confessing, a genetic bond that is important to them.
My biggest piece of advice to parents is to let your kids choose for themselves how they define the donor. Let the discussion be child-driven, rather than parent-led, over time.
Our children want to find connections with donors as extensions of themselves, not as extensions of their parents. What they are looking for are answers related to their individualized self-identities. That's something we cannot give them. Only the missing donor can.
